Hi everyone! Let's get a topic out of my head for good this time. While all the previous entries I made I took my time to write them, this one will be a bit more free than originally, but I did think about writing something about it for quite some time. Kind of wanted to talk about the relation to reality (also the possible input I could give to the test chamber, a podcast about transformation I started listening to) but I figured it was actually better to cover a more direct topic. So!

As some of you may know, I tried to get rid of this account a number of times before. I deleted and destroyed several of my drawings, and when something big and new wound happen to my life, and it was time to have resolutions, I would always try to forget this account and everything related to it.

"Sex is just a bad thing", I thought. "Sex is only an addiction, it perverts one's own mind, and makes the concerned people become dependent from it. I have no business wasting my life to something this useless." I felt dirty, real dirty. And at same time, I was dreaming of these imaginary moments, as if they were real, and I felt so superior. "I am having sex that is devoid of consequences. Whenever I do it, I do not need something from this world, I just need my head! All those guys, talking about sex, being so dependent on images they have of their so-called loved ones, and then realizing they are fantasizing over a reality they are dissatisfied with. I am not like that! I will have good memories of everything."

After that it would just catch up in a matter of days, or hours even. "I cannot control myself. I am just a miserable being, I lose all that time for nothing, I cannot even talk to girls, and I think I am contradictory enough to look for a romance." "I think that one day, I will show to people what I really am, and everyone will leave me. I might even lose control of myself and commit a crime I will never forget."

It took the time it took, but guess what.

I was just like these people. I WAS fantasizing over images, and I had to draw them. I felt compelled to do it. I WAS dissatisfied with my life. And of course, I could not help but have bad memories of so many different things. However, that did not mean I was alone. I was just different. I am not going to commit a crime because I dream of things. People dream all the time, be it during their sleep or when they are imagining things. It is a condition of being human, simply, and it comes as a tool. You discover yourself a goal in life, and you will use foresight. Sometimes you want to understand things from a different point of view, or you want to think, or you want to move a bit from your own reality, and escape temporarily. After having reassessed these points, I feel much lighter when it comes to that issue.

However, that does not mean I solved a problem with a bunch of words. I still do believe that I am not achieving a lot. I believe I contribute or will contribute sometimes to the whole anger that is going on when it comes to feminism and equality (and I kid you not, I still have no idea what it comes down to when I try to talk with some people. I could get one thing and its opposite from anyone from the same group of beliefs), I feel my works can be offensive. I do not think I gain a lot of things out of it, and I have a lot of backlog in everyday tasks while drawing.

Really, when I draw lewd content I get many more views than usual. Should I dress mature content because of that? No, but I don't like this system and I am part of it.

So these past months I became agitated and did not feel like actually taking part in anything. I guess I was discontent with most of the interactions I was having with people, and it just came back to this issue. The interesting thing is that I recently came to study a concept of distaste that's becoming popular in order to describe a fraction of youth : anomie.

Basically, anomie entails that you lose faith to social values you are supposed to apprehend on a regular basis, or you simply didn't have faith in the first place. That makes society a very hard place to live in, since people will ask you to follow a set of obligations under these motives that you lack conviction about.

And that stuff happened to me, really. I always had talks from relatives in my family who would think that today's western world just shows boobs everywhere. I tried following good moral principles who would not condone sex and stuff related to it. But then in these last months, I realized I was some guy who draws stuff, who writes things, and who'd like not to annoy anyone. When that happened, ironically, the conversations I had with my close ones just turned against me. I know that I just draw stuff even I would not really approve of. The only thing that's left is the contact I try to have with people, and that does not last very long for quite a number of reasons I'll not describe today.

So a quick briefing of what happened is : I first hated myself for being unable to forget inappropriate art, then I hated a part of this world for being so cryptic and not allowing my infatuation to be accepted in the media or in public, also sometimes for giving so much sexual tension, and now I am lost. Something is wrong. To me, further analyzing will not solve the problem, I can hardly see a way that's actually moral and acceptable, aside from speaking my mind and try being as open-minded as possible. I only have to deal with these feelings that are becoming less noticeable.

That does not really help though, since I am starting to live a double life trying to do everyday stuff/kinda lewd drawings, and for a few months I had no idea what to do eventually, but I'll need an answer soon. Right now, I am studying abroad but after that, it's the job life. I've always sought those opportunities to better myself, but it always ended up in me discovering more about me. I had excessively positive expectations of changing my life, but now no calculus seems to indicate I'm doing something a tiny bit peaceful for the rest of my life. I feel I know myself better, and I am still scared.

I often like what I do, but I always thought it would just be a transition to a life that's more enjoyable, where I could do what I wanted. It turns out I don't really like to have nothing on my schedule, and it's hard for me to find some peace of mind. I would like to do stuff I like to do, but at the same time I want to challenge myself into stuff that will make me feel self-justified. Sometimes I don't know how I went this far, but that's stuff I do. I always gave my best in situations where I thought I would find an environment that would accept me, but that did not always happen, and right now this will be challenged for good. I will get into situations that will probably last forever until I get to find the courage to say "no" to some options.

In any case, that's a relief to talk about all that, I feel I know the keys to going further in my life, but I assure you it took me quite some time to get to it and write it for good. Let me know what you think about it and your impressions, if you feel like writing about it.

Take care, I'll see you next time. Signing out!